Post by Jack Lupus on Jan 8, 2007 0:23:57 GMT -5
What kills Xander more than anything else is that he didn’t tell her he loved her.
***
“But why do you have to work late tonight?” Cassandra’s voice whines through the telephone. “I have something important to tell you.”
“I got swamped.” Xander explains. “Can’t you tell me over the phone?”
“No.” Cass let’s out this put upon sigh. “It’s a surprise and I want to tell you in person.”
“I’ll be home soon.” He offers as a condolence.
“Fine.” She accepts. “Come home soon.”
***
Xander is always there, more constant than the furniture. He slides a chair up to her bed the first day he’s allowed in to see her and it never moves. The nurses crack jokes about him nailing it to the floor, about him sneaking in late at night and gluing it in place, about the chair not being moved by anyone through the sheer force of Xander’s will from afar.
“Cassandra…” Xander whispers her name like a prayer, his voice hoarse with unshed tears. He clasps her hand in his and notices for the first time how small it is. A sob forces it’s way out from behind his tightly pressed lips and maybe it’s because of the bruises that cover her face or her split lip or the fact that she won’t wake up no matter how much he yells or cries or begs.
***
Xander worries when an ambulance speeds past him on his way home.
When it pulls into his apartment complex, he’s terrified.
He’s screaming her name before he even gets out of his car when he sees the emergency vehicles parked in front of their apartment.
***
Kait doesn’t make a noise for three whole months while she’s awake. At night she tosses and turns and screams and whimpers and it breaks Xander’s heart into a million tiny little pieces over and over again until he thinks he’ll die from it.
Four months into her coma, Cassie’s doctors tell Xander that there’s very little hope that she’ll ever wake up and Xander tries to sign the papers to take her off life support. He really does, because that’s what she wanted, but his hands shake so badly he can’t hold a pen.
***
Xander’s knuckles turn white as he clenches his fists in the waiting room.
He jumps up when a nurse approaches him and tries not to cry so loud that he can’t hear what she’s saying.
When he doesn’t ask about the child, the nurse considers it a small mercy to not tell him about the miscarriage.
***
Seven months pass and Cassandra’s father begs Xander to take her off of life support. “Let her die with some dignity.” He pleads. “She’s not coming back.” And deep down, he knows that Cass wouldn’t want this. Sometimes he doesn’t even recognize her; her skin unnaturally pale and her body so frail that he’s afraid she’ll break if he touches her. He can’t remember what she looked like without a tube down her throat.
Xander is furious when the police catch the man who did this to her. At his trial, Xander begs the judge to give him a light sentence. He spills out lie after lie like he’s handing out candy canes at a Christmas party. “He didn’t mean to hurt her that bad, he’s just a kid, it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of his life.” The words burn like silver as they bubble up past his throat because he’s not saying them for the kid’s sake. But Xander can’t get his revenge if they lock the guy up for the rest of his natural life.
***
The police want to talk to him but he can’t stop crying long enough to breathe, let alone speak. After awhile, though, he regains some semblance of composure and asks what happened.
Big mistake.
The police say, from the best they can tell, it was a robbery gone wrong and, judging from the blood splatters…
Xander looses it again and he can’t breathe for a good forty minutes.
After that, the police and nurses leave him alone.
***
At the hospital, Xander kisses Cassandra goodbye and tells her that they’ll be together soon and that he’s sorry he didn’t come home when he was supposed to. He signs her life support termination papers before he leaves.
Xander prowls the streets with a gun and a knife strapped to his belt. He’s been looking for his wife’s attacker for weeks. The police won’t tell him where the kid lives, though, so he asks around and follows his leads.
When he finds the kid, the boy squirms and cries and begs but any mercy Xander ever had is long gone. He cuts up the kid for awhile, giving him a small taste of the pain he’d gone through for the past months. When the kid stops crying and his blood fans out around him like wine from a knocked over glass, Xander takes out his gun.
He leans heavily against a dirty brick wall and points the barrel against his temple. “I can’t lose her.” He whispers like a prayer and pulls the trigger.
***
“But why do you have to work late tonight?” Cassandra’s voice whines through the telephone. “I have something important to tell you.”
“I got swamped.” Xander explains. “Can’t you tell me over the phone?”
“No.” Cass let’s out this put upon sigh. “It’s a surprise and I want to tell you in person.”
“I’ll be home soon.” He offers as a condolence.
“Fine.” She accepts. “Come home soon.”
***
Xander is always there, more constant than the furniture. He slides a chair up to her bed the first day he’s allowed in to see her and it never moves. The nurses crack jokes about him nailing it to the floor, about him sneaking in late at night and gluing it in place, about the chair not being moved by anyone through the sheer force of Xander’s will from afar.
“Cassandra…” Xander whispers her name like a prayer, his voice hoarse with unshed tears. He clasps her hand in his and notices for the first time how small it is. A sob forces it’s way out from behind his tightly pressed lips and maybe it’s because of the bruises that cover her face or her split lip or the fact that she won’t wake up no matter how much he yells or cries or begs.
***
Xander worries when an ambulance speeds past him on his way home.
When it pulls into his apartment complex, he’s terrified.
He’s screaming her name before he even gets out of his car when he sees the emergency vehicles parked in front of their apartment.
***
Kait doesn’t make a noise for three whole months while she’s awake. At night she tosses and turns and screams and whimpers and it breaks Xander’s heart into a million tiny little pieces over and over again until he thinks he’ll die from it.
Four months into her coma, Cassie’s doctors tell Xander that there’s very little hope that she’ll ever wake up and Xander tries to sign the papers to take her off life support. He really does, because that’s what she wanted, but his hands shake so badly he can’t hold a pen.
***
Xander’s knuckles turn white as he clenches his fists in the waiting room.
He jumps up when a nurse approaches him and tries not to cry so loud that he can’t hear what she’s saying.
When he doesn’t ask about the child, the nurse considers it a small mercy to not tell him about the miscarriage.
***
Seven months pass and Cassandra’s father begs Xander to take her off of life support. “Let her die with some dignity.” He pleads. “She’s not coming back.” And deep down, he knows that Cass wouldn’t want this. Sometimes he doesn’t even recognize her; her skin unnaturally pale and her body so frail that he’s afraid she’ll break if he touches her. He can’t remember what she looked like without a tube down her throat.
Xander is furious when the police catch the man who did this to her. At his trial, Xander begs the judge to give him a light sentence. He spills out lie after lie like he’s handing out candy canes at a Christmas party. “He didn’t mean to hurt her that bad, he’s just a kid, it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of his life.” The words burn like silver as they bubble up past his throat because he’s not saying them for the kid’s sake. But Xander can’t get his revenge if they lock the guy up for the rest of his natural life.
***
The police want to talk to him but he can’t stop crying long enough to breathe, let alone speak. After awhile, though, he regains some semblance of composure and asks what happened.
Big mistake.
The police say, from the best they can tell, it was a robbery gone wrong and, judging from the blood splatters…
Xander looses it again and he can’t breathe for a good forty minutes.
After that, the police and nurses leave him alone.
***
At the hospital, Xander kisses Cassandra goodbye and tells her that they’ll be together soon and that he’s sorry he didn’t come home when he was supposed to. He signs her life support termination papers before he leaves.
Xander prowls the streets with a gun and a knife strapped to his belt. He’s been looking for his wife’s attacker for weeks. The police won’t tell him where the kid lives, though, so he asks around and follows his leads.
When he finds the kid, the boy squirms and cries and begs but any mercy Xander ever had is long gone. He cuts up the kid for awhile, giving him a small taste of the pain he’d gone through for the past months. When the kid stops crying and his blood fans out around him like wine from a knocked over glass, Xander takes out his gun.
He leans heavily against a dirty brick wall and points the barrel against his temple. “I can’t lose her.” He whispers like a prayer and pulls the trigger.
